"One-Liners"

1. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
   
   
2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
   
   
3. How is it possible to have a civil war?
   
   
4. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
   
   
5. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
   
   
6. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
   
   
7. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
   
   
8. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
   
   
9. Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?
   
   
10. Where are we going?  And what's with this handbasket?
    
    
11. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
    
    
12. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
    
    
13. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
    
    
14. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
    
    
15. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"  She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
    
    
16. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
    
    
17. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
    
    
18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
    
    
19. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
    
    
20. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
    
    
21. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
    
    
22. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
    
    
23. Is it possible to be totally partial?
    
    
24. What's another word for thesaurus?
    
    
25. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
    
    
26. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
    
    
27. When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
    
    
28. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
    
    
29. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
    
    
30. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
    
    
31. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
    
    
32. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
    
    
33. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
    
    
34. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
    
    
35. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
    
    
36. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
    
    
37. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
    
    
38. Is there another word for synonym?
    
    
39. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
    
    
40. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
    
    
41. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
    
    
42. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
    
    
43. Why do they report power outages on TV?
    
    
44. Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
    
    
45. One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
    
    
46. I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
    
    
47. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body & your fat are really good friends.
    
    
48. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
    
    
49. Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.